My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Randomize
