I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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