On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
