Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
