Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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