And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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