good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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