The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
