the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize