I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize