you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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