Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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