He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
