Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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