It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
