Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's shark week go big or go home
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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