Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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