Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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