Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
