No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
