Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize