I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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