I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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