Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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