Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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