my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
