I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize