My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
