I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
