he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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