I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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