im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
