As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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