I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
