you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
