just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
