he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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