Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
