it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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