he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
