I puked a lego.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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