you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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