I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
