Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
