she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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