im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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