I wish my penis had an off switch
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
