You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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