I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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