Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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