Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Sorry about my life...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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