he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
