I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize