All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
