so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
